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| source : edition.cnn.com |
Last winter, I had what I call a “dad spiral weekend.” Within 48 hours, the garbage disposal broke, the dishwasher stopped working, one of my kids left the garage door wide open overnight (in January!), and two pipes burst. Yep, two.
That Saturday night, I lay in bed doing mental gymnastics with the budget, wondering how we’d pay for the repairs, and questioning every decision I’d made in the past 15 years. My thoughts were racing, loud, crowded, like an internal shouting match with no referee. The next morning, I was edgy and impatient, snapping at my kids before they even finished their cereal.
My youngest noticed. He quietly told his siblings, “Dad’s doing that fast walk thing again, watch out.” That broke my heart.
It also made me realize something: I wasn’t just overwhelmed, I was mentally drowning. And I had no real tools to swim out of it.
So I started learning. I read the work of Dr. Jett Stone, a clinical psychologist who focuses on men’s mental health. His book Quiet Your Mind helped me understand what was really going on inside my head, and how to find calm in the middle of the chaos.
Here’s what I learned, not just from him, but from trying to actually apply these insights in the thick of parenting, partnership, and modern fatherhood.
When the Mind Spirals, the Body Knows
You know that weird tingling in your forearms? Or how your jaw tightens when you’re stressed? According to Dr. Stone, our bodies often notice our mental overload before we do. Overthinking doesn’t always feel like thinking, it feels like a racing heart, headaches, clenched fists, or shallow breathing.
As men, we’re often taught to power through or ignore those signals. But learning to notice them? That’s step one.
The Mental Load Is Real, and It’s Heavy
In today’s world, fathers aren’t just fixers and providers, we’re planners, emotional co-regulators, school schedulers, and bedtime storytellers. It’s called the mental and emotional load, and it’s invisible but heavy.
Dr. Stone points out that we’re being asked (rightfully so) to do more as dads, but with little guidance or tools. So when we feel like we’re failing at something, we tend to spiral into questions like:
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Am I spending enough time with my kids?
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Did I lose my temper too quickly?
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What if I can’t provide for my family the way I should?
These mental loops are normal, but they don’t have to run the show.
So What Can We Do?
Here are a few real-life tools I’ve started using (thanks to research and hard-earned experience):
1. Name the Overthinking
Just saying it out loud helps. “I’m in a loop right now. I’m overthinking.” It sounds small, but it creates distance between you and the mental spiral.
2. Try a ‘Cyclic Sigh’
This one’s legit. Take two quick breaths in through your nose (like: inhale… pause… inhale again) and a long, slow exhale through your mouth. Do it a few times. It calms your nervous system, fast.
3. Scan Your Body
Start at your forehead. Move down to your shoulders, your arms, your chest. Where are you holding tension? Breathe into those spots. You can even tense them up and release. It’s surprisingly grounding.
4. Map Your Thoughts
I started journaling, not full paragraphs, just quick notes. Like, “Boss’s email → panic → money worries → homeownership fears.” This helped me see how one small thing could ignite a full-blown mental wildfire. Mapping gives you awareness, and awareness gives you power.
5. Get Curious About What’s Beneath the Anger
When I snap at my kids or go silent with my wife, it’s rarely about them. It’s usually fear. Or shame. Or exhaustion.
Ask yourself: What do I want from this reaction? What am I afraid of?
That pause might save you from yelling, or help you apologize faster when you do.
Reconnect With What Actually Matters
Dr. Stone talks about “deeper drives” the things beneath the surface that truly motivate us: connection, belonging, competence, peace. When those needs aren’t met, our minds spin out.
It helped me realize I wasn’t just stressed about pipes or deadlines, I was scared I wasn’t showing up as the dad I want to be. That I was falling short.
Anchor Back With Gratitude and Kindness
This one took practice. But I started small:
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Texting a friend to say thank you.
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Writing down three things I’m grateful for in the morning.
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Telling my wife, “Thanks for holding space when I lose it.”
It shifted something in me. It pulled me out of my own head and reminded me that connection starts with presence.
And About That Inner Conflict…
If you’ve ever felt torn between the man you are and the man you want to be, welcome to the club. The truth? Both are you. The grumpy, overwhelmed version and the gentle, fun dad. The anxious planner and the bedtime snuggler.
Integration, not perfection, is the goal.
Final Thought: You’re Not Broken, You’re Becoming
There’s no shame in feeling flooded, frustrated, or afraid. But if we don’t find tools to manage it, our families pay the price. So do we.
The good news? You don’t need to escape to a monastery or reinvent yourself. You just need to pause. To breathe. To notice. And to remember that the calm version of you isn’t gone, it’s just under the surface, waiting to be invited back.